Shout Outs
 


 
ARTICLES BY DR. NICKI J. MONTI
 
 

 


BETRAYAL: It’s a Wonderful Life
We all know the equal opportunity employer known as betrayal.

Usually it hits like a sudden storm. We never seem to expect it, even though afterwards we realize there’ve been plenty of signs.

Not long ago, over ahi tuna, yellowtail and avocado rolls, I watched my good friend describe the dreadful details of his recent ambush. The conversation turned my thoughts to suffering. Suffering’s punch and suffering’s promise.

What's the point, we wonder over and again – why do these “lousy” events have to happen to us?! Often we bemoan our fate, sitting in pout, complaining about the poor-me of it. People betray us, we grouse. Life betrays us, we stomp. Time betrays us, we moan. Turns out, betrayal and the suffering that comes with it, have a point. Honest they do.

But what in the name of bleep could that point possibly be?

Let’s start with the word. Suffering comes from the Latin sub ferre meaning to take upon oneself. So what are we talking about taking upon ourselves and why? The great psychiatrist/psychotherapist Carl Jung discusses two kinds of suffering -- meaningless suffering and meaningful suffering. Turns out they are, to some degree, connected to each other for meaningless suffering comes from trying to avoid the very pain meaningful suffering suggests greeting!

"Greet pain -- are you nuts?!" I hear you scream.

Yes, greet pain. Because suffering pain introduces you to the humility that teaches real compassion. (Humiliation leads to humility). Not pity. Not that “Awww….I understand…” (kinda, sorta, for a nano-second), but true, deeply felt, long-lasting Compassion.

So what’s so great about Compassion? Turns out it’s one of the most effective and greatest ways of revealing your humanity. Let me repeat: Compassion brings you into connection with your humanity. The importance of this? This link with personal humanity allows thereafter a deepened relationship to all humanity. And in case you’ve lost the thread of why the majority of us are here – it’s to fulfill the most complete human experience we each can according to the mandates of our individual psyches.

There’s also another thing important about suffering. It’s the other side of Joy. You can barely know one without the other. Indeed. There is no up without down – no in without out. Opposites teach us about each other.

And further, pain wakes you up! That means, pain stimulates your feelings-- lets you know you're alive. Again – isn’t that the point of this being born journey?!

Thus, these slaps – these wake up calls – are about more than what meets the eye. Maybe, just maybe, while reminding us of our humanity, and keeping our oh-so-easily-inflated egos in check through humility and showing us the other side of joy -- maybe we can grow ever closer to an authentic appreciation of life on its own terms -- that is, life beyond our (imaginings of) control.

A while back a water & power technician came to install a new automated version of the meter-reading instrument. While making the switch he donned his sun glasses on a not- so-sunny day in a fairly dark corner of the house. “Why do you wear those to do this?” I asked about the seemingly extreme protection he put on while engaging his apparently uncomplicated task. “Well, things don’t always go as planned,” he answered simply.

Indeed.

By the by -- my friend's wake-up call in this last suffering of betrayal experience truly changed his life. Maybe your next dance with pain can change yours too -- if you let it.

Tags: suffering, pain, humanity, meaning, meaninglessness, joy, appreciation, Carl Jung, betrayal, signs, human, connection, compassion.