Visibility, a complex and often yearned-for experience, is frequently misunderstood. The plea of ‘See me!’ can easily be misinterpreted as a cry for ‘Love me!’ But even more problematic is that most people fear being deeply seen and known. Really? Yes!
Many imagine visibility to equal vulnerability … a dangerous state of exposure that reveals our flaws, fears and bruised places, weaknesses, and doubts to others. Vulnerability asks us to share openly how truly human we are. Sounds rough. But vulnerability is neither problematic nor dangerous. Although counterintuitive, letting people see who we really are and how we most deeply feel brings strength and connection. The more I know you, the more I love you. For real. Sadly, we don’t live in a world that encourages such visibility. Rather, we live in a kabuki world of highly stylized psychological masks and makeup that allow us to hide in shadow and tell only a partial tale of self, denying rather than revealing the true, colorful nature of our divine essence to those around us.
Still, no matter how much we fear it, our longing to be truly known is nearly primal. Most serve this primal need whether they want to or not. Some do it by leading a primarily provoking, critical, negativity-leaning life, while others go in the direction of being excessively pleasing. Of course, there are plenty of other versions of trying to nudge our way into visibility. In some places, for example, living life-of-the-party lives is considered an aim, and an art.
Will being a Celebrity solve my See-Me quest?
At first glance, a celebrity experience at any level looks exciting, a dream to chase. Influencers of every style, type, and area of interest grow exponentially, like breeding rabbits. The hunt for visibility on platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok can become a breathless race for ‘likes.’ But the euphoric boost, often mistaken for self-esteem, is fleeting, generally lasting only a few minutes.
And anyway, public visibility can surprise the uninitiated. For sure, it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be. Think about it – most ‘regular’ people have trouble being visible in their backyard pond, let alone splashing comfortably in the public ocean. Living out loud is not for the faint of heart. It feels like enlisting in military service and being immediately sent to the front lines. Certainly, we’re unprepared for true battle. No one comes home unscathed.
“But don’t celebrities get plenty of free perks and promises?” you bleat. Uh-huh, but they’re not as free as they look at first glance. This leads us to the topic called the price of fame and how that price invariably includes the extraordinary defense called Projection – the tool of the psyche where you throw your innermost thoughts, fantasies, fears, hopes, and notions out onto others you meet or even onto people you see but never meet in-person, i.e., celebrities. Projection causes us to see, feel, and judge others in particular ways. It directs the way we view the world. If we judge the world to be dangerous and hateful, chances are – know it or not – we believe ourselves to be dangerous and hateful. We also imagine ourselves to be potential victims at every turn. Perhaps that’s the way Mom and/or Dad were, and we’re terrified to become them. Or maybe our innocence was shattered during a school, movie theater, or place of worship shooting, and our projector is now cracked and full of constant distortions.
Similarly, it’s easy to project our power onto those around us rather than claiming it for ourselves – to go through life believing those around us are powerful in ways we can never achieve. Maybe we’ll never be exactly what we see the power brokers to be, but certainly, there are healthy versions of power we can claim. It’s like shining a flashlight outward to see our faces. The thing to remember about projection is that everything there is lives inside of us. How we view the world will depend on which beam of inside light we’re shining outward at any given moment.
Thus, the people in our local orbit receive our projections daily. Imagine everyone simultaneously projecting onto a public figure. The celebrity, then, is barraged with opinion and prejudice. Have you ever watched an election convention of either major political party and listened to reports afterward? It’s astonishing how differently we’re able to see and hear things. That’s because of projection.
Projection is an experience all public figures encounter in spades, but projection is also an everyday experience for all of us. You do it, I do it, we all do it. At times, projection elevates, and at times it diminishes. Inevitably, at some point, it stings.
The tricky part with projection is that we believe what we think is the truth! Getting up close and nearly personal with celebrities Corey Haim and Cory Feldman on The Two Coreys A& E reality television show as their therapist back in the day, plus several guest therapist appearances on Millionaire Matchmaker and Keeping Up with the Kardashians, gave me a bird’s eye view of life in the public visibility collision lane. Reading how viewers were completely making up untrue things about me was fascinating. After that, I understood projection as never before.
But, as indicated, projection happens everywhere, all the time, and is unavoidable. Everyone projects, no matter how sophisticated, psychologically developed, or aware. The question is not if but how much. “Am I at all on to myself,” is the question we need to ask. For most, the answer is “No!”
A successful withstanding of this phenomenon involves refusing to take what’s said personally. At first glance, such a don’t-take-things-personally mandate seems utterly impossible, it turns out to be not only doable but our saving grace. Still, facing the truth about self takes focused intention, self-awareness, and courage.
We start by understanding our perspectives and exploring where our assumptions, preferences, and reactivities began. Making a list of our “beliefs” about everything can help. More importantly, understand how you see the world and that everything is about YOU. You are the negative person who annoys you. You are the needy individual you react against. You are the person who throws away opportunity. You are the successful person you just met. You are the kind person you respect so much.
Imagine a world where everyone takes ownership of their hunger to be wildly important. It might be a world less driven by addiction, rudeness, rage, impossible expectations, and dreadful sorrow. Of course, that could simply be my projection.
